Ever feel like your partner is from Venus and you're from Mars? Or perhaps the other way around, or maybe from different galaxies? You say what you want, they show what they need, you offer advice, they offer a hand. All relationships come with their own set of challenges and are always an opportunity to see ourselves more clearly, and also sometimes we're just not speaking the same language - the same LOVE language.
If you've never heard of the 5 Love Languages, it is a very practical and insightful book by Gary Chapman who noticed early on how different couples could be. His ideas behind the basic 5 love languages are that people use about 2 out of 5 of these to either show love or how they wish to receive love. These basic 5 are as follows: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts. You might be wondering what your partner's preferred and spoken love language is, especially if it's different from yours. Hell, you might even be wondering what your's is! Self-awareness is key in relationships and is ever evolving.
Well, there's a couple ways you can find out who needs what, but the way I've discovered merges this concept with an ancient science - Ayurveda. Ayurveda is known to help identify a person's unique mind and body type through a series of questions and some basic tests which will often lead a person to greater understanding about what they should be taking in, avoiding, and balancing. This is what Ayurveda calls your constitution or your prakruti and vikruti. (For more on Ayurveda, read my blog HERE!) Your constitution is unique to you, though will be some mixture of vata, pitta, and kapha; the 5 elements and 20 qualities.
So why is this helpful to know in relationships? How does this pertain to the love languages?
Once you know what constitution you and your partner are, you can begin to bring more awareness in as to which is their top 2 love languages. Sure you can just ask them, but sometimes they might not even know! It can be challenging to truly know what kind of love we need, so by using our Ayurvedic constitutions we can keep the guess work out of it. Let's jump right in!
I'm going to lay out the 7 basic combinations of Ayurvedic constitutions, each will be paired with their top 2 love languages and then we'll navigate why each of them tends towards one language or another. We have:
1. Vata: Physical Touch & Words of Affirmations
2. Pitta: Acts of Service & Quality Time
3. Kapha: Gifts & Physical Touch
4. Vata-Pitta: Words of Affirmation & Quality Time
5. Vata-Kapha: Physical Touch & Words of Affirmation
6. Pitta-Kapha: Acts of Service & Gifts
7. Tridoshic: All of the Above!
Okay, first one - Vata! Vata types often speak the love language of physical touch and words of affirmations. Vata is comprised of the air and ether elements. These individuals are talkative, always thinking (maybe overthinking!), bubbly, excitable, and can be worriers. In order to be reassured they are loved and cared for, they need a partner who verbalizes their love. This could be more than just "I love you" everyday. They'll require recognition, thanks, praise, uplifting affirmations, and positive encouragement towards their creative dreams. Any opportunity you have to acknowledge how amazing your Vata partner is, do it! Next, physical touch. These etheric individuals might just float out of their bodies and off the planet if it wasn't for the pull of gravity. They can live so much in their heads that they disconnect from their bodies, leaving them feeling insecure and anxious. Continuous, comforting touch is so grounding and nurturing for Vata's and they know it. They love to hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle, and walk arm around waist anywhere and everywhere. Don't be hesitant to give them regular massages either, you'll thank me later!
Next up - Pitta! Pitta types often speak the love language of acts of service and quality time. Pitta is comprised of the fire and water elements. These individuals are busy, focused, go-getters, a little temperamental and can be slightly impatient. Pitta's don't like to waste any time and always have a lot on their to-do list that they feel MUST get done immediately. They will show up for you 10-fold if you help make their life even just a little more manageable, and you can never go wrong with bringing them food! Say your Pitta partner forgot their lunch (because they're so damn busy they forgot) and are at work now ravenous. Pitta is the epitome of the word 'hangry". Taking the time to bring them lunch speaks novels of love to them, or try making them dinner before they get home, taking the trash out; maybe even just peak at their to-do list (they often write them) and see if there's any way you can be of service that day. Now if that sounds like a lot of work, don't worry, they also love to spend quality time with their partner. Pitta's don't like to sit around or waste time and will want to take out time specifically for connecting with you. The thing about that is, it's another thing they have to do and take time for. Do your partner a favor, and take the initiative to create a romantic night for the two of you to talk, eat good food, and maybe walk in nature. Pitta is the most passionate lover so when their sparks fly for you, get ready for real quality time ;)
Number 3 - Kapha! Kapha types often speak the love language of gifts and physical touch. Kapha is comprised of the earth and water elements. These individuals are calm, steady, sweet, and like to move slow. With all that earthy energy, it's no wonder they love receiving material goods that they can physically see and touch. Earth energy is physical material energy, so when Kapha types are able to see and feel a thoughtful gift from their partner, this translates directly into their love language. Kapha's love to use their hands and are often builders or crafty to many degrees, notice what your Kapha partner likes to tinker with or what they enjoy decorating their home with. It's not just about any ol' gift, but a thoughtful one that is practical (Kapha is very grounded and practical). Secondly, physical touch. It almost seems obvious after the previous description, Kapha is earth and water which means physical and emotional. They know when true connection is happening between them and their partner, a meaningful touch says "I care for you" more than words could. Unlike Vata types who need the nurturing of physical touch, Kapha speaks simply in the language of the physical body. Because they can become confused (earth+water=mud), a true loving touch reads loud and clear that "I love you".
Alright, now that we've expanded on the basics of the 3 doshas: Vata, Pitta, and Kapha - along with the 5 love languages, pairing the doshas should be relatively quick!
A Vata-Pitta person will be a blend between words of affirmation that brings in the reassurance a Vata needs, paired with quality time; the Pitta will desire for meaningful time set aside to connect and be intimate. Take time out to create a romantic day or evening where you can truly listen to your partner (chances are if Vata is involved they'll wanna talk!) and spend time walking hand in hand. Quick tip: Vata-Pitta types will want your undivided attention, provide meaningful eye contact as they tell you about their day or dreams.
Next, Vata-Kapha! These individuals will prefer physical touch and words of affirmation. Just as described above, Vata will want praise and require assurance in the relationship. They'll also want your vocalized support as they pursue bigger dreams. Physical touch is a big one here as Vata and Kapha both naturally want this. Vata will crave it to feel nurtured and Kapha will crave it to feel desired - if your partner is a Vata-Kapha don't skimp on this one!
Second to last we have Pitta-Kapha. This person will desire a mix of acts of service and gifts. As you now know, the Pitta will have a long, arduous to-do list and when paired with Kapha - double it. Pitta is drive and Kapha is sustainability, put these two together and we have sustained drive. These individuals will be taking on a lot and may forget to take care of themselves. So help them out and do a little for them, bring them lunch, fix their sink, take them to a spa, massage their feet - these people will appreciate any thing you can take off their plate, even if they're the ones stacking it!
And lastly, the most demanding of them all - Tridosha! This person is an equal blend of all 3 doshas - Vata, Pitta, Kapha, and would like a side order of all of the above love languages. Does this actually mean they require more than the others? No. In fact, they are happy with just a little of everything so no matter which one you bring to the table they'll be able to receive it as love. Though they tend towards balance, so try to mix it up in order to keep things in equilibrium.
PHEW! So that's that! Maybe you have some questions - like what's my dosha/constitution or what's my partners dosha? If that's the case and you're dying to know more, check out getting an Ayurvedic Constitution Test with me HERE. I will also be expanding in another blog on how well the different types work together and how we often give a love language different than the one we wish to receive - fascinating! Stay tuned and thanks for being open and curious! Om Shanti~